


Two pages, a bard, a prince and a witch walk into a bar.

by basilthymee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coffee, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Starbucks, UNO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basilthymee/pseuds/basilthymee
Summary: Jake English, intrepid adventurer turned Starbucks employee, decides to start a new adventure of his own, in the world of retail coffee shops.Read as Feferi and her wacky cast of employees welcome Jake into the business and try their best not to get into any trouble! Lest they gain the attention of the CEO...Drama! Adventure! Bloodshed! UNO! All this and more in Jake's wild adventures in the most problematic Starbucks you've ever seen!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Two pages, a bard, a prince and a witch walk into a bar.

**Author's Note:**

> Shou what have you done.

Your name is JAKE ENGLISH, at least, that’s what it says on the small plastic rectangle sitting on your bedside table with an awkward photo of your face plastered onto it for the whole world to see.

The sun is bright and the birds perched outside your window are cheerfully singing as they welcome another glorious day filled with death-defying adventures and incredible feats of heroism only a skilled explorer like you would be able to handle.

But alas, there will be no cryptic puzzles to solve, ancient relics to steal or boulders rolling through conveniently-sized corridors to quench your unquenchable thirst for adventure; today, you will be starting your first day as an employee of a million-dollar business which provides heated caffeinated beverages to customers for a reasonable price.

Yes, you’re going to work at STARBUCKS.

You abscond from the warm clutches of your bed, trying your best to ignore the incredibly strong urge to return underneath the toasty blanket and dream about exotic jungles filled with dangers that only you, the heroic JAKE ENGLISH, can explore.

Your first obstacle approaches you as you open your closet, realizing the vast array of choices you’re now faced with. What will it be, English? Perhaps the snazzy multicolored Cario overcoat you always find in your closet no matter how many times you put it in a box and store it in your attic? Or will it be the skimpy adventuring shorts you always parade around in when you’re home alone? Or maybe the vibrant green tuxedo Dirk gave you for your birthday?

After an intense battle in your mind over which outfit you pick, you finally settle on a plain white shirt and a pair of black jeans. Y’know, a casual look.

  
  


You arrive at STARBUCKS bright as ever, the sleek green logo mixed with the dark brown and grey colors all fit in a very modernistic architecture instantly captivate you. You consider yourself a more traditional kind of guy, ancient temples, hidden forest mansions, treehouses. But something about the design of this building draws you in, like a mysterious force calling your name (one you often see is death-defying adventure movies where the bold hero needs to resist the clutches of evil as they swipe the valuable good from the millennia-old temple).

You push open the two glass doors and make your way into the interior; it’s still early so there are barely any customers, just a couple of odd carapacians wearing cute business suits and typing sipping away at their coffee.

FEFERI: Good morning Jake! I'm glad to sea you could fin-ally make it!

It’s your boss, Feferi Peixes--or as she likes to be called--Feferi.

JAKE: Oh! Good morning to you too Miss Peixes! Quite the jolly day we’re having! I simply cannot wait to get to work!

FEFERI: So muc)( ent)(usiasm! I can't wait for you to get started too Jake, but before t)(at, w)(y don't you come wit)( me so you can meet your coworkers? Glub glub!

With a skip in your step, you gleefully follow Feferi behind the wooden counter and enter through a metal door with the writing “STAFF ONLY” hastily written on in permanent marker.

Inside the break room, the pungent smell of machine-made coffee makes you slightly dizzy. 

**FEFERI: )(-ELLO -EV-ERYON-E! 38)**

**FEFERI: Today we )(ave a N-EW -EMPLOY-E-E WIT)( US!**

The one single person in the break room turns around to take a gander at you.

**GAMZEE: WhAt'S uP mOtHeRfUcKeR?**

**JAKE: I salute you, my clown cully! I cannot wait to see all of the zany and adventurous shenanigans we will get into!**

**GAMZEE: YoU sAiD iT mOtHeRfUcKeR! hOnK hOnK! :o)**

**FEFERI: Glub glub I'm so glad to sea you two get along so w)(ale!**

**FEFERI: But w)(ere are t)(e ot)(ers? 38(**

**GAMZEE: ThEy'Re OuT bAcK mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiShY fRiEnD, mAkInG mIrAcLeS.**

**JAKE: “Miracles”? Why that sounds frightfully intriguing! What does this “miracle-making” consist of?**

As you finish your sentence, two awfully not fit for work chaps stumble into the break room, cheerfully chattering with each other.

Feferi's usual happy go lucky attitude almost instantly collapses and turns into unbridled rage, all hell was about to break loose.

**FEFERI: W)(AT T)(-E S)(-ELL? W)(Y W-ER-E YOU TWO OUT BACK? 3 >8(**

**TAVROS: uH, hEY THERE FEFERI,**

**DIRK: Oh fuck.**

**FEFERI: DON'T ")(-EY" M-E. I'M V-ERY UPS-ET RIG)(T NOW.**

**FEFERI: W)(AT W-ER-E YOU TWO DOING BACK T)(-ER-E?**

**DIRK: Nothing of your concern.**

**FEFERI: ACTUALLY, DIRK, IT IS V-ERY MUC)( MY CONC-ERN. 3 >8(**

**DIRK: I don’t think you’re being a responsible manager, not letting your employees consume recreational drugs.**

**FEFERI: My problem doesn't lie t)(e fact you two are smoking, but t)(e fact t)(at you are smoking ON WORK )(OURS!**

**DIRK: But are they really work hours if no one is around? Can we really consider these hours “work hours” if, for the most part, this whole locale is empty?**

**FEFERI: UG)(! Fin. Just please don't be irresponsible. We don't want anot)(er incident.**

Feferi turns to put on her STARBUCKS cap and leaves the break room, leaving the four of you in awkward silence. The dizzying smell of artificially caffeinated drinks still lingering in the air.

**JAKE: Dirk! I never knew you were employed in such a business! Did your fancy robotic thingamajigs not work out for you??**

**DIRK: I didn’t have anything better to do.**

**JAKE: Is that so?**

You eyed Dirk with suspicion and analyze his dark green apron with a little plastic rectangle pinned underneath the right strap. You know Dirk, he would never subject himself to--as he states--”working underneath the cold, ruthless rule of capitalism”.

He clears his throat and quickly changes the subject.

**DIRK: We should get you ready for work, you never know when a bunch of frustrated cogs in the machine will make their way into the store and demand all sorts of shit from us.**

Dirk invites you to follow him into a smaller back room filled with a varying assortment of the exact same green apron and STARBUCKS brand cap.

**DIRK: Listen, Jake, the people out there are going to be real shitty to you, even if you treat them like royalty.**

**JAKE: Why would they act in such an uneducated manner? That attitude makes absolutely no sense! Not even an ounce of reason!**

**DIRK: I have no clue bro I really don’t.**

**JAKE: Well I refuse to let these jays get to my pate!**

Dirk smiles and hands you a neatly folded apron with a STARBUCKS brand cap sitting on top.

Your first day starts off fairly quietly; a couple of kind carapacians pass by and order the exact same drinks: black coffee or latte macchiato.

Gamzee wanders out of the break room and puts his heavy hand onto your shoulder, the repulsive smell of what you can only hope is that green stuff he’s always eating, sopor, or at least something that isn’t as horrendous as the plethora of ghastly ideas bouncing your head, makes you slightly scrunch up your face.

**GAMZEE: HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, yOuR sHiFt Is OvEr.**

For a moment you were deeply offended by what the clown had just said. You had never been confronted with such vulgarity and in such a casual way, you were certainly going to tell this to Feferi; this unacceptable work behavior appalled you. 

Until you realize that’s just Gamzee’s quirky way of speaking.

**JAKE: Already?? Time sure did hie!**

**GAMZEE: I kNoW rIgHt MoThErFuCkEr, MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS i TeLl YoU.**

You throw a quick glance over at STARBUCKS themed clock hanging on the wall to check the time, and sure enough, the time had passed much faster than you imagined.

You walk back into the break room as you leave an especially angry carapacian with Gamzee, their angry little cries almost amuse you.

The break room is eerily silent, the endless hum of the ventilator outside mixed with the buzzing of the luminescent neon lights filling up the auditory void before you.

On the slightly yellowed break room table, Dirk and Tavros both lean over a colorful stack of cards, each of them alternating glances between themselves and the stack.

You clear your throat; both of their heads jolt up and look at you.

**TAVROS: uH, wELCOME BACK,,**

**JAKE: Why thank you kind chap! Harken, do you by any chance know of any recreational activities we can partake in? Have any commodities been provided?**

**TAVROS: i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID,**

**TAVROS: bUT IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING YOU CAN ALWAYS PLAY UNO WITH US,**

**JAKE: Why thank you for the generous offer my bull-horned friend! I’d be delighted to partake in your card game!**

Tavros stares at you blankly, the gears in his head turning and twisting as he attempts to decipher what you had just said.

**TAVROS: sO DO YOU UH, wANT TO JOIN IN,**

**JAKE: As I stated before my Taurus-themed acquaintance, I would be ecstatic to engage in the card game you two have begun!**

**TAVROS: cAN YOU PLEASE SPEAK NORMALLY I CANT UNDERSTAND }:(**

**JAKE: I apologize for my verbose vocabulary my ox-related associate, let me try again-**

Dirk decides to end it, putting a hand on Tavros’ shoulder and handing you a couple of cards.

**DIRK: You know how to play right?**

**JAKE: Of course I do Dirk! Do you take me for some sort of uneducated numbskull? What else do you think I did on Hellmurder island?**

**DIRK: Parade around in those skimpy shorts of yours shooting everything that moved and sparring with brobot that's what.**

**JAKE: Touchè...**

The UNO match starts off fairly calm, a couple of skips here and there and reverses slightly irritate you, but you don’t let it get you. Until the harbinger of chaos gets played, the ruiner of friendships, the annihilator of companionship, the bane of all party games.

A sly smirk creeps across Dirk’s face as he pulls a card out of his deck and slams it onto the table.

A draw four card.

Visible panic sweeps over your face. Your turn isn't next, but you are almost certain that Tavros had stored a draw four card for this exact situation.

**TAVROS: iM SORRY, i HAD TO DO THIS,**

Confirming your fear, Tavros pulls a black card with four squares printed on the middle respectively colored blue, red, green and yellow. Two plus fours were written in white on the top left and bottom right corner.

He slams it down onto the table and glanced at you with a sorrowful gaze.

It was your turn now, the combined pressure of two draw four cards was on your shoulders. Thousands of thoughts ran through your head as you glance down at your hand.

Three cards left, a green four, a red skip turn and a draw four. 

If you were to take the eight cards, you would certainly lose, as Dirk was dangerously close to UNO. But if you were to play your draw four, you would be left vulnerable. What if Dirk had two draw four cards? What if Tavros also had another draw four card? That would leave you with a devastating sixteen cards; not only would you lose, but your pride would be absolutely obliterated, they would never let you live it down: 

Hey Jake remember when you drew those sixteen cards?

**rEMEMBER WHEN YOU DREW ALL THOSE CARDS, tHAT WAS SO FUNNY,**

The mere thought of being confronted in such a manner sends a shiver down your spine.

**DIRK: Hey are you there?**

**DIRK: Are you having some sort of vision of a miraculous adventure?**

**DIRK: What did Gamzee give you?**

**JAKE: Oh I’m terribly sorry! I was just having some dandy thoughts!**

**DIRK: Well I think you’ll have to put your dandy thoughts on hold because you’ve been staring at your cards for five minutes now.**

**JAKE: Oh dear... Would it be uncivilized of me to ask for five more minutes?**

**DIRK: Listen Jake, Fef is going to come through that door in any moment and bust all of our asses for leaving Gamzee out there to work for us, so I advise you get a move on before we, quite literally, become fish food.**

You reluctantly take the draw four card and observe it, before placing it onto the pile.

Dirks shit-eating smirk turns into a scowl as he realizes that his plan just backfired.

**DIRK: You’ve outplayed me, English.**

He put his sixteen-card-heavy hand down and stands up, staring off towards the wall behind you as if he was a brave valorous warrior accepting defeat and the hands of a dark lord.

**DIRK: I concede.**

**TAVROS: uH, oK, gUESS ITS JUST ME AND YOU JAKE,**

**JAKE: Alright chap! This’ll be a mighty battle!**

**TAVROS: yEAH, wHATEVER YOU SAID,**

The two of you continue playing; Dirk silently pouting in his chair and observing, probably thinking up a new, intricate plan to write in his meta-gameplay guide to UNO he’s been working on.

As your day shift ends you hang up your apron in the closet and leave the building, locking the front doors but leaving the service door open for the night shift staff.

You walk home under the evening sun, hands tucked in pockets and a couple of stray rays lighting up your face. You hear hurried steps behind you, accompanied by the jingle of what you assume is jewelry.

**FEFERI: Jake! Wait up!**

**JAKE: Hm? Oh! What a pleasure to see you Feferi!**

Feferi lets out a cry and wipes her brow, her golden necklace and armbands reflecting the sun considerably at this hour.

**FEFERI: Did you enjoy your first day at work?**

**JAKE: I sure did! It was quite the extravagant experience!**

**FEFERI: I'm glad.**

**FEFERI: So, u)(, listen Jake. I )(ave a favor to ask you.**

**JAKE: Oh?? And what might this favor be?**

**FEFERI: Basically, Terezi and Vriska bot)( decided to ditc)( t)(e nig)(t s)(ift.**

**FEFERI: And since you're t)(e one t)(at lives t)(e closest...**

**JAKE: Do you require my assistance in taking over the nightshift?**

**FEFERI: Yes! Glub glub! I'll even pay you double! )(ow's t)(at?**

You take your phone out of your back pocket and look at your calendar, it's empty.

**JAKE: Well I would be delighted to take over the night shift!**

**FEFERI: R-EALLY? O)()()( T)(ANK YOU SO SO SO SO MUC)(! 38D**

Feferi smiles and gives you a one-armed hug, holding her phone in the other hand

**FEFERI: Anyway, I really need to go now so t)(ank you so muc)( Jake! Glub glub glub!**

She disappears around the corner of the road.

Well now, it seems you’ve gotten yourself into quite the pickle. Working the nightshift? You’ve never done such a thing in your life! In fact, the whole idea of working in shifts is fairly foreign to you considering your… unique upbringing. Of course, you’re not against the idea of working overtime, you really want to help Feferi! Especially considering she seemed in quite the rut.

What you are afraid of though is the fact you’re going to have to spend all night in the little drive-thru booth doing absolutely nothing. You would return home to grab some entertainment, but you wouldn’t want to risk leaving the store unattended and give any hooligans the opportunity to break in and take whatever they please!

You walk back into the STARBUCKS and put your apron on, straightening your ID card and running your hand through your hair.

The night begins.


End file.
